Rescue Answering Machine
Hello: You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the high
volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the
following options and choose the one that best describes you or your
Press 1 if you think we are Veterinarians and want free medical advice.
Press 2 if you know we are a Rescue Organization but want to save money and
have us give you free, untrained medical advice anyway.
Press 3 if you make $200,000 a year but still want us to pay to spay the
“stray” in your yard (house).
Press 4 if you have a 10-year-old dog or cat and your 15-year-old son has
suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home right away.
Press 5 if you have dogs or cats, had a baby and want to get rid of your
dogs/cats because you are the only person in the world to have a baby and
dogs or cat at the same time.
Press 6 if your dog or cat is sick and needs a vet but you need the money
for your vacation.
Press 7 if you just got a brand new puppy or kitten and your old dog or cat
is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right
Press 8 if your little puppy or kitten has grown up and is no longer small
and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.
Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy or kitten who is
not active and is going to outlive you.
Press 10 if your relative has died and you don’t want to care for their
elderly dog or cat because it doesn’t fit your lifestyle.
Press 11 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150-
pound, 8-year-old dog or 10-year-old de-clawed, never-seen-a- vet cat with
Press 12 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home today and pick
up the dog or cat you no longer want.
Press 13 if you have been feeding and caring for a “stray” for the last
three years, are moving and suddenly determine it’s not your dog or cat.
Press 14 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up before I
have to go to work so you can drop a dog or cat off on your way to work.
Press 15 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have
left a dog/cat in our yard in the middle of January, which is in fact,
better than just leaving the dog/cat with no message.
Press 16 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to take your
dog or cat that you have had for fifteen years, because it is not our
Press 17 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog or cat
to be euthanized because we won’t take it.
Press 18 if you’re going to get angry because the staff had the audacity to
go on vacation and leave the rescue in care of a trusted volunteer who is
not authorized to take your personal pet.
Press 19 if you want one of our perfectly trained, housebroken, kid- and
cat-friendly purebred dogs that we have an abundance of.
Press 20 if you want us to take your dog that has a slight aggression
problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbour’s cats.
Press 21 if you have already called once and been told why we will not take
your surrender but thought you would get a different person this time
with a different answer.
Press 22 if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to board your
personal dog while you are on vacation, free of charge, of course.
Press 23 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to deliver
an eight week old puppy or kitten to your house by 6:30 am before your kids
Press 24 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby bunny
for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.
Press 25 if you want us to take your female dog or cat who has already had
ten litters, but you can’t spay her because she is pregnant again and it is
against your religion.
Press 26 if you’re trying to make one of our younger volunteers feel bad and
take your personal pet off your hands.
Press 27 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because it is
de-clawed, but are not willing to accept the responsibility that the cat’s
behaviour is altered because of your nice furniture.
Press 28 if your two-year-old male dog is marking all over your house but
you just haven’t gotten around to having him neutered.
Press 29 if you previously had an outdoor-only dog or cat and are calling
because she is suddenly pregnant.
Press 30 if you have done “everything” to housebreak your dog and have had
no success but you don’t want to crate the dog because it is cruel.
Press 31 if you didn’t listen to the message asking for an evening phone
number and you left your work number when all volunteers are also working
and you are angry because no one called you back.
Press 32 if you need a puppy or kitten immediately and cannot wait because
today is your daughter’s birthday and you forgot when she was born.
Press 33 if your dog’s or cat’s coat doesn’t match your new furniture and
you need a different color or breed.
Press 34 if your new love doesn’t like your dog or cat and you are too
stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next month
Press 35 if you went through all these ‘presses’ and didn’t hear enough.
This will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed by one of our
volunteers who is holding a discarded dog or cat while the vet
mercifully frees him from of the grief of missing his family.
***Edited for grammar, spelling and slight re-wording